to settle or not to settle

Blueberry Terry

"Sweet Strawberry Sherry, will you ever marry?"
Asked Blueberry Terry, but she shook her head.
"I find marriage scary, dear Blueberry Terry,
Ask Razberry Mary to marry instead."

"I'll not marry Terry," said Razberry Mary, "for Blueberry Terry
resides on the the prairie: I won't leave my dairy to follow him
west."
"Then you I can't marry," said Blueberry Terry- "I won't
leave the prairie to work for a dairy- dear Strawberry Sherry,
Please marry me now.

"No, Terry, like Mary, I do not like prairie
I live on a ferry and never would marry
A man so content to care for his cows."

"Very well Sherry,
Very well Mary.
I'll leave the prairie,
Will one of you marry
Me now?"

"I don't find you handsome," said Razberry Mary.

"I don't find you wealthy," said Strawberry Sherry.

"And since you're not handsome and do not have wealth,
We think that we'll soon marry somebody else."
So Blueberry Terry returned to the prairie and
Rarely saw Mary and Sherry, but then
Mary and Sherry at their ferry and dairy never
Were asked if they'd marry again.

At the dairy and ferry they grew old and thin.
They were nearly ninety when they hobbled in.
"Dear Blueberry Terry," said Strawberry Sherry, "I've
Changed my mind Terry, I'll marry you now."
"Yes Terry, dear Terry," said Razberry Mary, "I'll
Marry you Terry, I'll marry and how!"

"I don't find you pretty, I don't find you healthy
And since you are ugly and have no real wealth
I think I'll return to my cows and my prarie
And there I may marry somebody else."

"I don't know who I'll marry now,
I'm living alone surrounded by cows."

In a small cemetery they buried old Mary and
Poor lonely Sherry, whose tombstones there read:
"Here Strawberry Sherry and Razberry Mary
were buried, unmarried - both single and dead."
Old Blueberry Terry - their man from the prairie-
Felt so alone as his final years sped
He married his Guernsey far out in the prairie
Delighted he'd finally something to wed.

I found this in a an old book that I have of children's poems. It seemed fitting for what I've been thinking about lately.

I think this poem could be about a couple of things. Mainly the idea that the grass is always greener on the other side. Sherry and Mary were convinced that they would find someone more handsome, and more wealthy so they refused to marry Terry. They died alone, even though at 90 they were finally willing to setlle for Terry. But then Terry ended up marrying his cow. I'm not really sure what that says about him.

So to settle or not to settle? I read an essay from The Atlantic called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" (thanks to a link emailed to me from a friend) and I'm not sure what I think about the whole issue. I will say this much, I believe that the woman who wrote the essay (which has turned book) has a skewed perception of being single and deciding to settle. She chose to have a child via donor sperm and regardless of what people may say, a child definetely changes things in the dating world.

She advocates that it's ok to settle and that all women who reach 30 and are unmarried begine to feel uneasy. She also says:
"they, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn't about cosmic connection- it's about how having a teammate, even if he's not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all."

She also believes that settling is a woman's game.

As I said the question is to settle or not to settle? I know that I have a long list of "red flags" or rather the more trendy term "deal breakers", but at what point do I start to whittle away at that list? Is there a point where it's ok to settle for the engineer who wears black jeans and collect pez dispensers?

I would like to think that my notions of a storybook fantasy haven't completely vanished, but it's beginning to look a bit grim. Sherry and Mary weren't willing to settle for Terry until they were 90, do I wait that long? Or at 27 is it ok to settle?

I went to see "Up in the Air" the other day and there's a scene in the movie where the young girl has just been dumped by her boyfriend and she has a conversation with Clooney's character and his girlfriend about what she wants in a boyfriend. She begins to list off all the things she wants in a mate ending with "and a nice smile". The older woman then starts to describe what she wants which basically entails kind and a nice smile. The younger girl responds by saying "that's so...sad."

When does it go from being sad to being ok? Should I begin to whittle away at my list now because people have begun to give me all of those sympathetic looks and tell me that I just haven't met the right person and that it'll happen for me eventually. Or say (and this is my favorite) that it's ok that I haven't met soemone because some people are just meant to be single.

I don't have a good answer.

I will say this though, I don't think I'm ready to settle. Everytime I've "settled" (I say it with quotations because I don't consider going out with someone once or twice as completely settling) I've been severely dissapointed. I realize why it is that certain things are on my deal breaker list.

I'm going to hold onto the hope that there is someone out there who isn't an engineer, doesn't wear black jeans, and hates pez dispensers.

Ok maybe he doesn't have to hate them but at least doesn't collect them.

A long time ago I wrote a list of things I wanted to do before I died. I wish I could find it. It would be nice to know what (if anything) on that list I have accomplished. But since I can't find that list I'm going to start a new one and hopefully one day I'll be able to say that I have accomplished all of these things.

1. Go skydiving
2. Live in another country for at least 6 months
3. Learn to speak another language fluently
4. Travel to Italy
5. Read the complete works of Charles Dickens
6. Take a trip just to see all the roadside attractions (i.e. world's largest ball
of twine)
7. Have a house that has a library with floor to ceiling bookcases, leather chairs,
and a fireplace
8. Go to Scotland and try to find Nessie
9. Spend Mardi Gras in New Orleans
10. Own a Savannah cat and train it to walk on a leash
11. See George Strait in concert
12. See Bob Dylan again
13. Attend a lavish New Year's Eve party
14. Have a job doing something that matters
15. Write a book
16. Read the classics
17. Travel to Russia
18. Attend a show at the Moulin Rouge in Paris
19. Take ballroom dancing lessons
20. Attend at least one event at the Olympics (ideally figure skating)

I suppose I could refer to this as my bucket list. Although calling it a bucket list makes me feel like I'm much older than I actually am.

The Beast

My sophomore year of college I had a suitemate who was a bit odd. Part of me wanted to feel sorry for her, but at the same time she was so mean. We lived together for an entire semester and I don't think she said more than about 4 words to me. Most of that was her asking me for towels when she clogged our toilet. She was a fun one to live with. I generally referred to her as "The Beast". Just to help you paint a visual: she was overweight, had acne, long dark brown hair that generally looked like it hadn't been combed in a month, and always wore plaid shirts, jeans, and work boots. If you looked in her closet it looked like the guy from that show "Home Improvement" lived there. Not Tim the tool man, but the other guy.

One day "The Beast" showed up with flowers and a card from her boyfriend. She brought them in the front door of the dorm and showed them to all the girls on our floor. Of course being the typical OBU girls everyone was ooohing and aaahing over the flowers and how sweet the guy must be. This happened a couple of other times, but the funny thing was we never saw this mysterious boyfriend, and he supposedly lived there in town. One day I was in her room, and looked at the card that she had on her dresser and the message and signature was in her handwriting. Then being the horrible person that I am I looked in her desk drawer and she had a whole collection of cards, just like the ones she had been getting from her boyfriend. The funny thing is they were blank.

At the time we made fun of her and talked about how pathetic it was that she would invent a boyfriend for herself. We just couldn't figure out why someone would be that desperate.

However, as I get older I can understand that feeling of desperation. Now I'm not saying that I would invent a boyfriend and send myself flowers, but I think I understand why someone would.

When someone sends you flowers it's a way to show the world that you are loveable. It didn't matter to her whether or not she was actually loved, but that people thought she was. I think people treat those they believe are loved differently. Because if someone is loved, there must be something of value about them.

Awhile ago I read an article (or maybe it was in a book, I don't remember exactly) about engagement rings and how they were a symbol to the world that the person wearing them was loved. That ring was what told the world they were worth something to someone. I wish I could remember more about the article, all I really remember is thinking there was some truth to that. I don't believe that my worth as a person is dependant on whether or not I wear a ring on my left hand but I do think there are those who believe that.

Whenever I see someone I haven't seen for awhile, friends or family, one of the first questions they ask is "so are you dating anyone?" They'll ask about other things, but not until after they get that out of the way. When I answer that I'm not I get a sympathetic look and they usually say something like "oh well you'll meet the right guy eventually." Although, recently I've started hearing things like "well you know some people are just meant to be single." I believe that these are the people who think that nothing about me maatters until I find that guy who thinks I'm loveable.

Perhaps 'The Beast' was right in making up a boyfriend that loved her. If I did that maybe I could avoid all the awful "so are you dating anyone" conversations.

what came first?

I talk a lot about how awful the guys in my life have been, and I feel like I should take this opportunity to confess that I've been guilty of some awful things as well. I don't think I've ever been as awful as some of the guys in my life, but I haven't always been nice. I have been guilty of ending a relationship by avoidance.

A few years ago I was kind of seeing this guy who was way more interested in me than I was in him. Essentially, I was bored and he was around. Sounds horrible doesn't it? I went on vacation for about a week, while I was gone he called and left me a weird voicemail and because of that I decided I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He called a few times wondering if I ever had come back to town, and even asked if I had run off to Vegas and gotten married. I ran into him a few months later and he told me that he had deleted my number when I never called him back, but I could still call him if I wanted to.

But this isn't supposed to be a confessional. I'm not going to go into detail about all the awful things I've done, but rather question why it is I've done these things.

I'm reminded of a quote from "High Fidelity"...

What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

Obviously I'm not referring to music, but when I was thinking about this subject this is the quote that came to mind. Are people cruel to me because I was cruel and it's karma or am I cruel because that's what has been done to me?

I am reminded of a day back when I was 15 maybe 16 at summer camp. I was talking to the guy who had broken my heart earlier that year about his new girlfriend. Of course we had decided to be friends and since I was determined to make that happen I suffered through these conversations. He was talking about how great she was and said "I've never felt this way about anyone before...not even you." At this point I am reminded of another "High Fidelity" quote...

It would be nice to think that since I was 14, times have changed. Relationships have become more sophisticated. Females less cruel. Skins thicker. Instincts more developed. But there seems to be an element of that afternoon in everything that's happened to me since. All my romantic stories are a scrambled version of that first one.

It was at that point that I think I realized that this whole dating thing could be cruel. It wouldn't be for a few more years that I would experience how cruel it could be. It also wasn't until a few years later that I started to feel the need to be cruel as well.

I actually think I can pinpoint the moment that I decided I could play this game the way most of the guys I met played it. It was my 19th birthday and I had just had my heart broken (by the same guy I mentioned earlier actually) and I spent the evening crying on my front steps.

Since then I know that I've been cruel at times. I'm beginning to notice a pattern, I'll date a guy that I actually like, he'll decide he no longer likes me, I feel bad about myself so I'll find someone who will boost my ego. I'll go out with them for a little while and more often than not these are the guys that really like me. The ones that I am not really that intereseted in. I usually get bored and then do something kind of mean. Now granted that something mean usually doesn't mean that I lie to them for 6 months, or sleep with their friends, it usually just means that I just quit returning phone calls.

It's probably a cycle I need to break. It's like I take out my anger/hurt from the guy I liked on the next guy.

I think for now I will conclude that I am cruel because of those that have been cruel to me.

That's healthy right?

karaoke superstar

I love karaoke.

I'm not sure why. I'm not the worst singer in the world, but I'm certainly not going to win American Idol anytime soon. I suppose I like the fact that it gives me a chance to feel like a superstar for a couple of minutes. Of course my friends and I do the obligatory group songs, where you have a group of girls who are all off key trying to sing a song that they know the chorus to but not the verses. I am guilty of being a part of that group. We're getting better though. We have adopted Journey 'Don't Stop Believin' as our song, and I think everyone knows every word to that song.

Last Saturday night I went to a small town bar to sing karaoke. Just for the record, small town bars are the best place to sing karaoke. There are less people, and they've usually had more to drink so they think you sound better than you actually do. I also haven't run into many karaoke whores at this particular bar.

I define karaoke whore as the girl (or guy I suppose) who takes karaoke way too seriously. They are the one who wants to sing every song, gets pissed if someone else sings 'their' song and is just waiting for someone to discover them. I actually knew a girl who carried her song cards around with her in a ziploc baggie. She would also get pissed everytime she didn't win a karaoke contest. She never won. Not even once.

So Saturday night I sang some Patsy Cline, Nancy Sinatra, Janis Joplin, and of course we did Journey. None of these did I do particularly well, but it was fun.

I also managed to meet a few interesting people over the course of the evening. There was a hitchhiker from Washington (maybe? I don't remember) he said he didn't have to work for a few months so he thought he would just go see the states. The first thing he said when he walked up was "this is one of the few places I've been where you could go make snow angels in the middle of the street and no one would care". Of course at that point I suggested we go make snow angels in the street but was shot down because it could cause frostbite on the ass.

After his snow angels comment he asked how we ended up in this small town bar, because according to him everyone who is in a bar like that has a story. Our story pales in comparison to his. I asked him what he was doing and he said that he was hitchhiking and I asked him why. He said that he just wanted to see the states because he hadn't seen much of them, his exact words were "yeah I just wanted to see the states I had never been to, have you ever been to Peru?" He then ran off to sing the worst version of "Poker Face" I have ever heard.

Did I mention that he had a lazy eye? There seems to be an epidemic of those lately.

The night was pretty bizarre. I ended up staying in this small town, waking up in the middle of nowhere next to some cows. I also met a guy that looks like a hobbit, and another one who was wearing a sweater vest.

The sweater vest was a little creepy. He called and texted me a million times. The last one said "when can I see you again, I'm like a kid in a candy store."

Really? How do I manage to get myself into these situations?

I have a freak magnet.

deal breakers...

On "The Tyra Show" and even on "30 Rock" they've had entire shows devoted to deal breakers and what different women deem to be deal breakers. It's interesting how some women will put up with certain things and others think the same thing is an automatic deal breaker.

I've been told numerous times that I'm just too picky and that my list of deal breakers is just way too long. I've been calling it my list of "red flags" but for the sake of being trendy I'll refer to them as deal breakers.

I'm not sure when I started developing my list, perhaps after the first bad dating experience? I know I didn't start out with a list, or if I did it was a short one. It's grown by leaps and bounds over the years. Occasionally, I'll take a look at the list and think maybe that I'm being a bit ridiculous and I'll go out with a guy who has a quality on the deal breaker list. It never turns out well.

So what is on my list you ask? Here's a few things, and yes I do realize how shallow some other them are.

1. Engineer. If a guy is an engineer that is a deal breaker for me. I've never had a good experience with one, and quite frankly don't feel like trying it again.

2. Shorter than me. I occasionally like to wear heels and if the guy is short, or the same height as me I feel awkward.

3. Has a weird collection of some sort and has it displayed. I realize that a lot of people collect things, sometimes they're odd, and that's ok. What is not ok is building display cases for these collections (i.e. pez dispensers) and having them displayed all throughout your house.



4. Black jeans. Black jeans are not acceptable for any occasion.

5. Cosby sweaters. If the guy is going to wear them to be funny, maybe. If he's wearing it because he thinks it looks good, that is not ok. What is even less ok is if he pairs the cosby sweater with black jeans.

6. Girlfriend. I don't think this really needs an explanation.

7. Married. Again, self-explanatory.

8. Bad table manners. If eating a meal with a guy makes me a little sick to my stomach I don't think we have any potential for a lasting relationship.

9. Nascar. I hate Nascar, and if the guy watches it we're just not going to work out. I did test this theory by the way, I gave a guy a chance even though he was pretty into racing, it didn't work.

10. Children. I suppose children shouldn't be an automatic deal breaker, but it has the potential to be. Other factors would definetely play a part in this one.

11. Ponytails. I do not think that a guy should have longer hair than me.

12. Bad teeth. I'm not referring to someone who has teeth that are a little crooked, I'm talking about the missing, looks like they haven't brushed in a year kind of teeth.

13. Greasy hair. Eww. There's no excuse for a guy to not wash his hair.

14. Battlestar Galactica. I have issues with that show, and the people who are obsessed with it.

15. Cockiness. If a guy walks up to me thinking that he's God's gift to women we are going to have some issues.

Those are a few of my deal breakers, and I'm sure I could come up with more, but it just makes me sound shallow and mean. Perhaps, I am. Tyra said that some of the things women consider to be deal breakers they just need to get over. Women are single just because they're too picky. I have been told that's my problem.

I would rather be picky and single than dating a guy who wears black jeans and cosby sweaters.

if my life were a movie

One of my favorite "getting to know you" questions to ask someone is "what would be on you life soundtrack?" I've always kind of wished my life were a movie, and if it were I would want it to have an awesome soundtrack. Awesome, like "High Fidelity" soundtrack awesome (one of my favorite movie soundtracks).

When I was at OBU I pledged College Players (a social club, since we didn't actually have sororities or fraternities at OBU) and one of my pledge projects was to create a cd with a least 10 tracks that I felt told the story of my life. Then a few years after that I got together with a couple of my friends and we decided to do the same thing and then swap them. It's interesting to see what music people feel tells the story of their lives.

I decided that if my life were a movie "Not a Pretty Girl" by Ani Difranco would play during the opening credits. That's been the one constant in my soundtrack over the years, the rest of it has varied. I've been trying to come up with my current tracklist and I think I would include these songs:

1. "Not a Pretty Girl" by Ani Difranco
2. "All My Ex's Live in Texas" by George Strait
3. "Flowers on the Wall" by The Statler Brothers
4. "River" by Joni Mitchell
5. "Don't Think Twice It's Alright" by Bob Dylan
6. "Providence" by Ani Difranco
7. "Girl at the Rockshow" by Blink 182
8. "Red Letter Day" by The Get Up Kids
9. "The Walk" by The Cure
10. "Flood" by Jars of Clay
11. "Foolish Games" by Jewel
12. "Vampire" by Juliet Turner
13. "All I Ask of You" Phantom of the Opera
14. "The Next Episode" by Dr Dre & Snoop Dogg
15. "Better Son/Better Daughter" by Rilo Kiley

Coming up with a soundtrack is more difficult that I thought it would be. Music plays such an important part of life. It always amazes me how hearing a song can take me back to a particular moment in time.

Music defines the best moments in life.

**Edit** I would have to add some Janis Joplin in there too, "Me and Bobby McGee" or "Piece of My Heart"